Heart-feeling ache 181214

Super shagged. These few weeks are so busy and tiring!!! Despite being the "down" period of year. Our department decided to participate in a tender which totally exhausted me. 

Yesterday night still have to rush the tender breakdown till pass midnight! Can't wait for this to be over soon. Like really. 

Earlier on when I was on the way to office.. As usual I will dabao my black coffee at the coffeeshop where I alight. Some thoughts just gushed in through and made me re thought about my life. 

I saw a Bangladeshi having his breakfast alone. Guess he is having his breakfast before work.. then I looked around the coffeeshop. Everyone is alone, having breakfast, preparing to work. 

Why life is so mundane & tough? Every morning, wake up, rush to work, eat, end of the day go back home to sleep and the next day cycle comes again. What is the meaning of life? I pondered about this.

We worked so hard for ourselves, our family, our future. But what are we really doing? End of your life, all that you have fought so hard for, just diminished at your last breath. Why do we have to grind ourselves to the maximum and we won't know what will happen next? 

Enjoy your every moment. Every seconds. Not slogging yourself till there is no meaning in your life. I think we should cherish everything we have and be contented with what we already have, or had. 

I hope I can act on what I preach though. Even though sometimes, I'm just complaining and complaining about how difficult or sad my life is. But its all your choice. You chose it, you should suck it down and shut up. 

2015 resolution much? Haha. 

New Beginning - 301014

Well, guess its been like 2 years since I last posted.... Currently lazing on bed with my video loading. Slow wifi access from the hotel allowed me to browse through my old blog. Kinda realised the way I type in the past is so childish. I wasn't able to complete the first three posts I saw. 

Have the urge to renew my blog to take little notes of my life for the present & future, so that I can read back in later part of my life to see how much things have changed, or rather, how much I have changed. For the better, or for the worst. Who knows? I will be there to find out.

////////

Feeling a little emotional & sentimental today. After watching the movie, "Sex Tape" gave me a question to uncover. "Why are you fucking in the first place?" This answer will answer your question of "Why are you guys together in the first place". Easy answer will be, "Because I love Him/Her". So what is love to you then. This gave me a lot to think about. 

Love can be patience, caring, loyalty, faith, trust, laughing at every silly humor him/her share, etc. But what is real love? I got a quick look at my old post and I saw I felt about love in the past. I believe I still feel the same way now. 

Love is everything. Love is giving your all. Love is not calculative. Love is loving every single flaws. Love is quarrel & willingness to change. Love is also cherishing every bitter-sweet moments together. Love has no definition. & Love is a promise of eternity. 

I have a guy I love now. To be honest, he is not hot, not sexy, not extremely rich, not driving an expensive car and definitely, he is not as smart as Albert Einstein. But neither am I hot, sexy, rich nor as smart. Every girl has a dream guy. I don't. My idea of husband was my ex-boyfriend I lost when I was 15. Yes, I was real young to determine then. But I felt that he was the one I can die for. From then on, I only look for guys with the same aspects, similar character as he is. Real stupid I must admit. I went to slim down after I met a guy with the similar character and even the same name as him. I really fought hard to achieve him. But I realised, he is not the one I want. 

Thank God, just right after then, I met my current boyfriend, Jack. He is so different... way too off from what my initial idea was. He doesn't have dimples, doesn't have the same character as them. He is not good at sweet talking. He doesn't like to have late night chat on the phone and he doesn't like white as much as they do.  

Weirdly, I just fall right for him. I miss him day & night. I get jealous over small little issues... like today, I saw the picture his ex-girlfriend posted yesterday when they were having a poly gathering dinner and I got totally tilt. I can't help but to think how happy he is there. Meeting his ex there, probably chatting heartily and even sharing dessert together. I don't know if I'm silly to get jealous or I should be jealous. But my heart really can't take it. I feel so sad so I had to smoke it off. She is not pretty. But I know she is much caring, more gentle, more understanding and obviously more normal then me. 

I have issues. Probably over possessive with superb imagination. Hope he can really overlook this flaw of mine and give me more assurance. 

He is really someone I had imagined before I met him. He is funny, he is smart, he thinks the exact same things as I thought. I believe he is my soul mate from this heart felt phrase "I don'y know how you are so familiar to me - or why it feels less like I am getting to know you more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before - in another time, a different place - some other existence"  

I believe the hard work he put in to let us be together really worth my change. I shouldn't be as paranoid. I should have the mutual trust between us and love him as much as he loves me. 

////////

I really miss him so much now. In Paris with just a colleague is really killing me. I miss home so much. Its freezing here. 8-16deg everyday and my body is shivering even at the thought of going out again onsite tomorrow morning. Stress & tiredness are what I feared off when I came... and yea, 2 more days left. I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

I just pray hard that our love for each other will last for eternity. & we can read back these posts and laugh at how silly I was 'then'.

-Pauline