Have the urge to renew my blog to take little notes of my life for the present & future, so that I can read back in later part of my life to see how much things have changed, or rather, how much I have changed. For the better, or for the worst. Who knows? I will be there to find out.
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Feeling a little emotional & sentimental today. After watching the movie, "Sex Tape" gave me a question to uncover. "Why are you fucking in the first place?" This answer will answer your question of "Why are you guys together in the first place". Easy answer will be, "Because I love Him/Her". So what is love to you then. This gave me a lot to think about.
Love can be patience, caring, loyalty, faith, trust, laughing at every silly humor him/her share, etc. But what is real love? I got a quick look at my old post and I saw I felt about love in the past. I believe I still feel the same way now.
Love is everything. Love is giving your all. Love is not calculative. Love is loving every single flaws. Love is quarrel & willingness to change. Love is also cherishing every bitter-sweet moments together. Love has no definition. & Love is a promise of eternity.
I have a guy I love now. To be honest, he is not hot, not sexy, not extremely rich, not driving an expensive car and definitely, he is not as smart as Albert Einstein. But neither am I hot, sexy, rich nor as smart. Every girl has a dream guy. I don't. My idea of husband was my ex-boyfriend I lost when I was 15. Yes, I was real young to determine then. But I felt that he was the one I can die for. From then on, I only look for guys with the same aspects, similar character as he is. Real stupid I must admit. I went to slim down after I met a guy with the similar character and even the same name as him. I really fought hard to achieve him. But I realised, he is not the one I want.
Thank God, just right after then, I met my current boyfriend, Jack. He is so different... way too off from what my initial idea was. He doesn't have dimples, doesn't have the same character as them. He is not good at sweet talking. He doesn't like to have late night chat on the phone and he doesn't like white as much as they do.
Weirdly, I just fall right for him. I miss him day & night. I get jealous over small little issues... like today, I saw the picture his ex-girlfriend posted yesterday when they were having a poly gathering dinner and I got totally tilt. I can't help but to think how happy he is there. Meeting his ex there, probably chatting heartily and even sharing dessert together. I don't know if I'm silly to get jealous or I should be jealous. But my heart really can't take it. I feel so sad so I had to smoke it off. She is not pretty. But I know she is much caring, more gentle, more understanding and obviously more normal then me.
I have issues. Probably over possessive with superb imagination. Hope he can really overlook this flaw of mine and give me more assurance.
He is really someone I had imagined before I met him. He is funny, he is smart, he thinks the exact same things as I thought. I believe he is my soul mate from this heart felt phrase "I don'y know how you are so familiar to me - or why it feels less like I am getting to know you more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before - in another time, a different place - some other existence"
I believe the hard work he put in to let us be together really worth my change. I shouldn't be as paranoid. I should have the mutual trust between us and love him as much as he loves me.
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I really miss him so much now. In Paris with just a colleague is really killing me. I miss home so much. Its freezing here. 8-16deg everyday and my body is shivering even at the thought of going out again onsite tomorrow morning. Stress & tiredness are what I feared off when I came... and yea, 2 more days left. I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
I just pray hard that our love for each other will last for eternity. & we can read back these posts and laugh at how silly I was 'then'.
-Pauline
